Posts Tagged With: pets

The Pyramid Scheme Vol. 2

Egypt, the land of mystery and sand. I was hired there to locate the fabled Tomb of Ahuva, a beautiful Hebrew slave who denied Pharaoh her love and was imprisoned in a tomb to be alone forever.

We had made great progress and I had decided to take a break from the sweltering heat and jam a few tunes on my Fender Strat. My well trained team would continue on while my falcon (whose name was Archaeus- RIP) would keep watch for looters from high above.

I was not prepared for what was about to happen.

Suddenly, and without warning, the ground began to vibrate. It was vibrating a G note. I knew this because the resonant frequency was causing my G string to also vibrate violently on my guitar. Again, suddenly, the ground opened up and through the sandy pit that opened arose a pyramid about the size of a 4000 square foot house. A three story one with a basement like they have in Boston.

I knew at once…well actually after the fear (not that I have fear, but it gives the story some tension) wore off, this was the place we had been looking for. Somewhere within these walls was the tomb we sought.

My team sprang into action. My falcon high above, with her keen eyes, had found a key that fell from the pyramid and brought it to me. We cracked the pyramid and ventured in to glory. There was this hum. It grew louder and louder the deeper we went. It appeared before us. A sarcophagus, this one had the outline of a woman (because it had boobs in case you were wondering) and it seemed locked by some kind of electro-magnetism. On the outside was inscribed in Hebrew “You must pick up the lock to open the door”

What did it mean?

The outline of this woman was beautiful. I had to open this. My team had tried everything when it came to me…

“Pick up the lock…Pick up…”

I had it!

I ran and grabbed my Strat and ran back inside. I put the pickups of my guitar to the lock and played a G chord. Then the humming stopped.

The lock made a quiet click. The sarcophagus slowly opened and a blinding light emerged from it. There was suddenly a great rush of wind and the blinding light became more blinding. When the light died down we could tell what it was. Inside was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She emerged full of life. The curse pharaoh had thought he placed on her was actually a blessing of life and her body and youth was preserved perfectly. I instantly fell in love and she swore her own love to me for freeing her. She took the name Jennifer and we live in Colorado today where we are free from the sand…

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America’s Cup Trophy (Wife) Vol.1

I was racing my sail boat in the America’s Cup and was so far ahead that I decided to take a break and play some tunes on my guitar. My crew was well trained and my dog was on the lookout for the other yacht in case it caught up.

Suddenly, I hear a voice like a siren coming from the side of my boat. In retrospect it was actually the screaming of a frantic, half drowned woman, but love can play tricks on your memory. Anyway, I look over the starboard and see Jennifer there in a lifejacket, floating. Her Disney Cruise ship had not noticed her fall overboard when she was trying to recover the puck from her shuffleboard game as she kind of sucks at shuffle board and it had almost gone over the edge.

I digress, here was this angel floating in the water and I had to save her. Again, suddenly, my dog (whose name was Corbin RIP) started barking and I noticed the other ship gaining rapidly.

I had to make decision. I made the right one. Win the race AND save the girl. “You, turn the thing! And that other thing!” “Number One, MAKE IT SO!!!” Meanwhile I quickly ripped the strings from my guitar and tied them together with fisherman’s knots. I used my capo as a hook and skillfully threw my makeshift lifeline and caught her by the strap of her lifejacket. I pulled her to safety and when my eyes fell upon this woman I knew I would lover her forever. I had won my trophy…and the race

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